I knew….

Thanks to the Apple iPhone I was able to look back at a “note” from May 10, 2012 that I did not send. It was not until five and a half years later did I take action.

J,

I am sorry you have no compassion, especially for me. Your words to me never doing enough or never being enough are like daggers into my heart which has been going on for years. I am numb. I am dead in this marriage. I have been for years. I stay because of the two beautiful children we brought into this world and I always want to do what is best for them. I want to always put them first in all of my actions and decisions. I am sick about the choice in front of me because neither is a win.

The way you talk to me is not what I want our children to see as a way a man treats a woman. Our children are affected by this. It is showing in Haas tremendously and you fail to see it. Sage told me the other day “He was having a good time with EJ until daddy scared Haas”.

I thought your words could change but now I know they only get worse. I cannot go on with this relationship anymore. I can’t leave you either because the children will be devastated. Your words and actions towards me devastate me and I feel the pain and wrath of you everyday. You win. You have blown out every light, every shimmer, every bit of fire in me. It is gone. I am out.

I have to keep on keeping on because I have two major responsibilities in my life that I love and care for dearly. I have to figure ways to numb this pain everyday so I can be a Mom. Yes, I am in full blown depression, again. It is my fault because I am unable to change my attitude or behavior in how your words and actions affect me. All you can say are words of extreme negativeness and what I don’t do and what I never do and that nothing is ever enough. I am unable to let you roll off my back and pick up the pieces. I let your words and actions shatter me and now I am broken.

“Why is it everyday that I feel the pain”

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