There is no doubt about Narcissist using Gaslighting and Word Salad to achieve their agenda. It is very much alive in my daily conversation with my very own NPD while entering in my third year of high conflict divorce. I start with this because I truly will say I have been gaslighted to my near death.
After the last few days, I am in my “throwing in the towel” mode again. I have been here so many times, my new goal is learning how to swim naturally with sharks. Meaning I am learning how to live in the chaotic world of communication with a Narcissist Personality Disorder. The neat thing now is my Narcissist uses his lawyer to also gaslight and word salad my attorney. If you are able to step back and look at all the details that go into making this all happen by the narcissist, you can see how fascinating it really is.
My NPD and I are ordered to use the platform OFW for communication. This will be for another topic but for now I wanted you to know that our conversations (if you can call them that) have now reached almost 3000 messages. I do take some responsibility because I do still have in me this optimism that if I point out some of his faulty communication, he may one day use this information. I know I know – NOT. I think it happens to the best of us. Plus the emotion inside me causes some of my responses or messages to include some emotion which tend to lengthen the messages.
My NPD’s agenda has been for a long time two fold. One to “get me” “win” and destroy me at all costs. The second agenda is he does think he is the CEO of this entire process and team of people involved. This means that I fall into being his Nanny, Flight Attendant, Secretary, and Child Trainer. He recently won his request and had ordered Family Therapy with the boys. Yes this sounds very reasonable, I know. Let me mention this is the fifth time he is trying family therapy with most of the therapist coming to the realization that this is traumatizing for our boys. It is absolutely true when professionals say do not attend a group type of therapy (couples therapy/co parenting therapy) with a Narcissist Personality Disorder. But here we are again… our boys are going to family therapy with dad. There is so many different layers that go with this too. This brings me back to the CEO of this whole process (Mr. NPD).
The CEO has expectations. I am to make sure the boys are informed. I am to make sure the boys are trained to look and speak like good boys. I am to make sure the boys attend and not refuse or give any push back to the CEO. So this is where learning how to “swim with the sharks” is extremely important. Remember the new family Therapist is gung ho to make a difference and succeed. So this means when I meet this new therapist, I am feeling like what the crap, this is such a waste of time, we will absolutely get no where and I am scared that this will continue to traumatize my children again. However, I have to push these feeling to the side and act as gung ho as the fifth family therapist. Excited at the possibility for her to move the needle with NPD and my very wonderful boys. I am still practicing my acting. Perfecting this is not that easy but important to pull it off. If not I could be perceived as non supportive and OMG alienating or manipulating. Back to my CEO’s expectations. In anticipation, and mere desperation, I send a message to my beloved CEO(NPD) giving steps on how we can convince our boys to attend. My CEO does not respond because it requires him to have a conversation with the boys. It requires him to do some work. I forget this is not what the CEO is supposed to do. I am supposed to make this happen and that is all there is to it. Below I thought I would share a simple message from my CEO so you can see how things are communicated. Maybe you will recognize some similarities and hopefully we can share ideas so we can all learn how to “swim with sharks” and be more balanced in our lives.
Below, I am sharing the last of the saga of getting the boys to go to family therapy…. It is a short little exerpt that I hope helps more people understand.
Mr CEO’s message when our child refuses to go to family therapy….
What occurred today is the same thing that occurred on Thursday and is the continued pattern of co-dependency that was highlighted in the evaluation. I am hurting so badly for Sage and the impact of these actions are having on Sage,
My response ….. and remember this has been two years so it used to be a lot more messy.
I would like to understand your thinking about Thursday and today more and why these events are caused by codependency rather than by Sage’s need to feel safe.
In his mind I am his flight attendant that has not done her job…. so he demands his expectations…
Please answer the following questions with either a yes or no
Have you told Sage he needs to go to family therapy with me and that it is non-negotiable?
At this point I do not respond. This takes practice too.
CEO is not happy …. He also lets you know how to respond.
I have not received response from my question on Sunday. Please answer the following questions with either a yes or no Have you told Sage he needs to go to family therapy with me and that it is non-negotiable?
My next response if probably going backwards in my own healing but it happens. Don’t beat yourself up.
9/15/2019 – I shared with you that I spoke to boys about therapy
09/16/2019 I share with you twice that I had communication around therapy and visitation and I supported the process.
In addition anticipating you having a tough time discussing therapy with the boys, I offered guidance on how it could go well and how I could support it. You did not give a response to this.
09/19/2019 – I continued to offer my supportive advice and guidance. In addition, I shared Haas’ schedule in anticipation that their could be trouble for you with schedules if you did not address with boys so you all could change schedules accordingly, also offering my support after this discussion happened and if you needed me to help with schedule.
09/20/19 – I wrote a heartfelt note discussing therapy and visitation offering my hand, help, in any way you needed this to happen. However, you had to have these discussions with the boys and I could not handle this for you. I could support you in anyway you needed afterwards but I could not continue to take this over for you anymore. You had to do this to start your own healthy relationship with the boys.
So YES – I have told you over 10 times that I have discussed therapy and visitation.
Uh oh I got feisty with the CEO – He may fire me. (In truth you do start to fear what his reaction may cause you as there have been police called on me, a PI following me, disparagement to anyone we know… etc..
This time I will say I got out a little lucky – only having to deal with this and the best is there is a little fake desperation at the end…
What did you and Sage discuss regarding today? is he coming with Haas and me? If he is coming have you shared with him that Haas and I are going to therapy? Does he know if he comes he need to come into the bundling and sit outside the office while Haas and I have our session or if he decides not to join us. I am begging to simply answer the question asks above.
I used to scratch my head and ask did I miss something? Did the last two days of conversation not happen? Am I starting to get the Alzheimer? Did I not provide dates and conversations of exactly this. I’m so confused. What is happening to me. This whole feeling is well tremendously overwhelming and impossible to explain in detail. It is maddening, crazy making, feeling insanity, helpless, feeling alone.
The good news is after 16 years of this, I have this part almost figured out. Well ….. For the most part… This time I recognize he is about to pick up boys and wants to make sure I have them wrapped up in pretty packages and have trained them to be delightfully happy and listen to everything dad has said and do nothing wrong and do not have their own mind. Most importantly, get in the car, and go directly to therapy, while not using electronics and being very quiet so CEO can text, and talk on the phone while they “do the necessary step for him to look good” Oh and yes he has used the word “trained” when speaking about what I need to do with our boys.
So I was 50% successful for the CEO. One went and the other refused. He feels like if he has to do this for dad there needs to be a signing bonus. – CEO made our obedient son contact our nanny to pick up Sage. Our sons are employees too. We all are. The fourth lawyer, the fifth family therapist, the second supervisor, me, and our children. We all work for him.
I hope you appreciate my sarcasm but at the same time see my daily struggle that so many of us go through. I am here with you and would love to hear your stories too. Make sure you laugh it sure beats crying.